Tuesday, December 6, 2011

why wouldn't ice cream be available on a Monday, in the rain, at sub zero weather?

Because someone is against me, that's why. My friend Jane was nice enough to come all the way up the subway line a full three stops, to get divine, sweet, creamy Dutch Dreams with me. We BOTH checked the website to be sure it was open and sadly, there was no mention anywhere of it being closed on Mondays.

We had a nice chat and a catch-up. She was a lovely, bright part to my day and brought me smiley face ginger cookies because, quite frankly, its been a little rough lately. The people that say, "Things will get better" haven't dealt with losing a job, a friend, an Opa and a boyfriend all in the short span of a few months.

It has been a lot to handle. But it does get better. The only bit that has stuck has been the "One day at a time" part. Also the "stay busy" part, especially with the loss of the boyfriend.

My usual pattern is to self-destruct a little, but this time is really different, for some reason. There is so much to be excited about and I am going to take full advantage. I asked my parents for a TEFL course for my Christmas gift this year. They were really generous and bought me a lap-top for my birthday present this year, because I turned 25. Reflecting now, after losing a friend two weeks after his 25th birthday, it doesn't seem like such a big deal that I made it this far, but it really, really is. These years can be pretty conflicted, more than I realized before.

So I plan on taking full advantage of this present, writing a ton and never, ever accepting another birthday/Christmas present from my parents. I just wish they would listen, hence the TEFL course. Oh well, they are older right? I can just hide money in their cars and things, so that when they stumble upon it they will think they left it there.

My arms are starting to look like someone is torturing me with hot pokers. The burns are all over from the panini press at work. They look worse than they feel but today our lovely, large, gay, Newfie dishwasher pointed out that no one was going to love me with arms like that, "Those are permanent!" he exclaimed, very loudly.

I had to remind him that I have far more damaging, permanent issues people already have a hard time loving me with. These new scars are the least of my concerns.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Tis the Doctor

Last night I went to a costume party at my friend Nick's house. It feels like I am pretending and going through the motions, but at least I found some comfort in being around some people I love in the holiday season. Letting them in is hard but being around them is great.

The party was Hero's and Villains themed. I went as the Doctor but didn't shell out the cash on a tweed jacket. My fault, I realized after running into Tom Baker Doctor, I should have spent the cash and done the Doctor some justice. Ah well, there is always next year.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

SOOOOOOlong sober november

It hasn't necessarily been a bust. However sooner or later I will find the courage to write about what has happened.

I have removed some content and have decided to make this blog a more positive reflection then the negative reminder it has been for the past few weeks.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween

Cute kids, yummy candy, scary movies and the best company. Sober November will be hard but there are a lot of things that I expect to come out of it. October has been a small mess, with many things Im without a doubt, could have done better. November is time for me to be about me. To remind myself of how to do that, a much needed trip to Montreal was in order. It was short, but spending time with the people there that inspire me to live and go after that one thing that will make me happy was exactly the reminder I needed.

Seeing people that care about you in an unconditional way is the only thing that could have made me feel this sane. Coming home to people that care about me was also something I found myself looking forward to, even though I'm always so sad to leave Montreal behind.

I haven't quit smoking *yet, but I have nicorette in hand and a sober month ahead, so I can't see why it wouldn't be on the horizon. There are so many shite things that have been out of my control in the past month. But I look at what has come of them, like reconnecting with old friends, coming to terms with my own decision making and how it could probably use some fine-tuning, learning that I am in desperate need of figuring out myself again, and most of all what makes me happy. These things were all missing pieces in October and it's time to take them back.

So I raise my last drink for a month to a new job, old friends and remembering what makes me happy. It used to take a lot to bring me down and I don't know when it changed. Most things were nothing a good blog post couldn't shed some deep perspective on. Time to get back to that place. My dignity and self esteem need some serious lovin' tenderness but it's my own fault. I forgive me for dropping the ball, only knowing that I will get my shit together.

Keep ya posted. Wish me luck.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Monday, September 12, 2011

When you are nine...

It has been awhile since I have posted anything on here. The

motivation has been seriously lacking because I have been feeling

rather self loathing lately; never good. It is even worse for writing

because no one wants to hear from a whiny blogger. I left you alone,

blog, and it really wasn't really fair.

Right now I am listening to Savage Love Podcast, which are always SO

eye opening. Diplomacy towards seemingly complicated situations is a

skill I lack and he seems to exude. I consider myself to be emotional

when necessary but lately I think that is becoming less true.

Best friends are a strange thing. When you are nine, you search and

long for someone to call your best friend. I have a 9 year old

neighbor that just moved in next door to my mothers house. I lived in

the same house until I was 18, so I can't say I understand what it is

like to move. But Nicki, my neighbor, was devastated and she yearned

for a bestie all summer. She couldn't wait to go back to school to

find a best friend to go to the park with, have sleepovers with, play

with after school and share secrets with all the time.

Those feelings only morph as you get older. that longing for

companionship from a friend, not a lover and nothing family can

provide. Just that buddy that is there to listen to you bitch on the

worst day and the first person you want to share the best ones with.

Eventually partying slows down and you realize that some people are

party friends, some are friends that only call you when they need

support and then there are those best friends that you will miss

forever when they are gone.

That friend you partied, cried, traveled and laughed with. You

thought nothing would tear you apart. Unfortunately when you are nine,

it can be another person with a more enticing toy to share with your

best friend and there is nothing you can do about that. I wish someone

had been there to say, "Kid, if you think that's a shitty reason to

stop being someones friend, just wait. It doesn't get any easier."

As I have realized, the same way there will be a hundred reasons, at

this point in life, there will never really be one that makes sense.

Friends Forever turn into good memories but sometimes you just have to

smile fondly and let go. Making new friends at different stages of the

game is always an adventure. Right now I am starting to do that and I

feel like I am nine all over again.

"Will they like me? What if they don't want to be my friend? What if

they hate my taste in music, movies, pastimes etc?"

It has gotten so confusing and at the same time, NOTHING has changed.

The same rules apply: be yourself, be nice to those around you and put

yourself out there. I would tell a nine year old that, perhaps worded

slightly differently. I don't have an answer, because realizing all

these things hurts. I am trying to put up the brave face and move on.

I will let you know how it goes.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Monday, June 20, 2011

Two Plus One=How I Will Spend My Summer Vacation

The realization just hit me: I am going to spend my ENTIRE summer being the 3rd wheel. I just moved in with a couple, my best friend is smitten kitten over a guy that is finally out of super intense schooling. All of the people I am around seem to be part of a pair. If they aren't in a real couple, they are at least getting laid involved with that, to certain degree.

The interesting part isn't me being a tag-along, because I have little to no shame anymore in that regard, but more how my friends are reacting to having me around. It has made me more aware of the people I used to hang out with that were amazing at never making me feel bad about it.

I have one friend that was so good at hanging out with her bf and one other person that I often forgot she was in a relationship all together. It was something I would look forward to, hanging out with my couple friends. Somehow those days are long behind me. Now, PDA's are socially acceptable. I think its almost as bad as breast feeding too openly or allowing a too old child to run around naked through public parks. NOT COOL PARENTS!!!

My tolerance has gotten VERY low for couple-y shit when I am around. Don't make kissey faces and sit ALL over each other; you see each one another more than I see you. You should have stayed home if you wanted to maul each other. I don't need to be here for this.

Any kind of "us" attitude is a bummer when hanging out with a couple. Being courteous and complimentary to your significant other in front of friends is one thing. Sometimes it even gives me hope that one day I could have a functional relationship. Having a domestic or being too smoochy is just no good for anyone. We can all have drinks or do things as adults without making someone feel like the third wheel. Hell, I even enjoy spending time with a couple when they know how to balance their love for each other with being in public and acting like adults that enjoy each others company and the company of those around them.

I don't think I am asking for much. I do realize that this will be a very solitary summer if things keep up with the trend so far.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Alberto's Pizza And Wings: The reason I will not be wearing a bikini this summer.

Alberto's Pizza and Wings
1384 Bathurst Street,
M5R 3J1 Toronto,Ontario

I stumbled upon the easily passable Alberto's Pizza and Wings, very soon after moving into my new place. Upon closer inspection, not only was Alberto's going hit the spot for my pizza cravings but hopefully satisfy my love for...tex-mex? Tex-Mex!

The tex-mex/pizza joint has been a neighbour hood staple for the past twenty years.Clearly the combo has proved effective. Located on Bathurst, just south of Vaughn and St Clair, the restaurant is on a rather lonely block with no other food joints around it. This gives Alberto's a chance to shine, through process of elimination.

To be fair, I decided to order a few things off the vast menu of unhealthy deliciousness. How good can a place be that serves burgers, burritos, pizza and wings? With so many specialty shops around, it’s hard to imagine places left with such a large menu do any one thing really well. I went for the walk-in special, a medium peperoni pizza for $9.00, tax included. The pizza we had was delicious, with a tangy sauce and home-made dough. It wasn't thin crust, but a perfect balance between chain-store dipping crust and a good dough recipe. It still allowed lots of room for dipping your crust.

There are lots of walk-in specials for lunch under $10.00, and dinner from $10-$15 per person.There is room in the restaurant for patrons to dine-in, but it is clear that this is a place where the neighbours come to pick up dinner and eat at home.

I returned to Alberto's a few nights later to give their ground beef burrito a try. I called in to order it a few minutes before I wandered over. When I arrived, it seemed that Alberto's had forgotten about my order. I wasn't in a rush, so I wasn't bothered. They said it would be five minutes (ten or so in reality), which was pretty impressive for fresh food made to order.

The ground beef burrito, $12.95 with a small house salad, was more of an enchilada than a burrito. It came served in an aluminum take out container, instead of being wrapped as most take-out burritos are. Doused in a rather spicy (considering I forgot to ask for extra spicy) burrito sauce, baked with 3 cheeses and a few jalapenos on top. The inside held a pretty standard combination of Mexican rice, whole beans instead of re fried, cheese, tomato and ground beef. A generous helping of sour cream and guacamole were thrown into the mix on the side, potentially for free because of the initial mix up, making it a really filling dinner for under $15.

You can't really go wrong with a place that serves so many things. I don't anticipate any of them are bad but I would say trying the fish and chips here might be where I draw the line.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Moving and Packing Juice

Moving houses can be a big pain in the ass. It can be an emotional experience, but not always a sad one. You could be leaving a place in hopes of something new and exciting. Someone could be evicting you for being loud and annoying. Perhaps you just bought your first piece of real estate that you own and now you are really a grown-up.

OR you are me, and you just got rushed out of your apartment by a roommate that lives in her own world and can't be pinned down to commitment and a little Chinese couple that wants you out a day early. This type of moving is classified as "hectic and painful". One day may not seem too early, or like they are asking much. I would agree with you, had I had somewhere to go, or enough notice.

When I showed up to move on Tuesday afternoon, the landlords wife was already there moving my things out to the back yard. Impressive! I was being moved out and I had still paid to live there till midnight. I know the REALLY mature and civilized thing to do, is to arrange to move the last Saturday of the month.

That involves a LOT of coordinating with landlords and tenants for BOTH apartments. It gets REALLY tricky when there are people in the house before you get there. It gets really complicated when the house mate you live with is going traveling and packs two suitcases and goes, leaving behind a whole house full of clothes, toiletries, furniture and kitchenware. Its unfortunate that I had to remind her I wouldn't be dealing with this mess on her behalf and that I had to explain why it isn't "good faith" or "good karma" to leave a house full of your crap when you move out. As said by the passive stoners from high school "not cool man, not cool."

Once that was dealt with, I had to pressure my very nice, new landlords that have a very sweet three year old to juggle, between renovations to our new house and full time careers. The LAST thing I wanted to do was pressure them, but it had to be done. The alternative to moving into my place a day early was sleeping in a van with all my belongings or moving back to the other side of the city, then back downtown on the weekend. Did I mention my new house is a five minute walk up the same street from my old one? To move my belongings back the other side of the city and then back downtown was something I really didn't want to do. I also work downtown, so that added a few hours onto my commute; not the ideal situation.

The issue wasn't the moving out early or the accommodating other people. I consider myself to be an accommodating person. However, dealing with pushy landlords and housemates that don't know how to clean up their shit is not what I assumed I was signing up for at 25 years old.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Love, Life, Live... BESTIES are 4 LyFe

I know that my bestie and I can't possibly love each other more. Unless, of course, we were wasted seeing Converge together for the SECOND time. That is serious business. I think Christie and I need to run that. We have both established we are in DIRE need of vacations. I am regretting not taking one after I graduated University. I HAD to go to France in 2009, before I was done school. NOT, way to go me.

The plan for this summer is to take a road trip of some sort, hopefully with a band. I have always wanted to do a tour diary on film of a bands adventures on the road. Realizing those are high expectations of budget and time, a road trip with good company and camping will have to suffice.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Spring has Sprung (blah blah blah)

This has been a serious year for the blahs. Ever since I have been back in Toronto things have changed a whole bunch. A lot of stuff has been changing for the better! I got a wicked job that I am really into, I moved out with some roommates (when I thought I was doomed to live alone forever!), Eric and I have been kicking it more ( EW and EP).

My seasons feel so different depending on where I am spending them. Normally there is this very nostalgic feeling I carry throughout the winter months. Something about the snow falling brings out the 2% romantic that is in me. Montreal seemed to bring out an unusual ease in feeling romantic. Maybe it was the atmosphere of the city or maybe it was the head space I was in while I lived there.

Romance in Toronto feels forced. Its this feeling I am only somewhat familiar with. To act on these feelings seems sort of douchey and fake. then there is this other part of me that loves the idea of doing something amazing and romantic like pool hopping or park gallivanting now that its nice out.

I really need to go check out castle loma. Its right up the street from me and seems like a good place for a picnic. Of course that picnic would consist of grilled cheese and beer but they would be nice beer, like Kronenberg, not my usual brand of Labatt 50. Maybe its also a good place to play a friendly game of Frolf. Who knows?

I just know that the thought of actually proposing something that thoughtful to a real, live human would require more alcohol consumption than it would take for me to tell my dad I am full of tattoos.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Tabi, Murs, Titan and The Airplane Boys

CMF usually falls during mid term week for Concordia University so I was never able to attend. Now that I am living in Toronto, I have no good reason not to. Wednesday was my first go of it.

First stop was checking out Tabi Bonney from BC. He was opening for American Rapper, Murs. I have heard of Tabi only because we worked on some post production for his music video a few months ago. Murs was someone else I was familiar with but it was my friend Matt that made the call on going to see him.

It has been quite some time since I have been to a hip hop show. The vibe is so different then the one at the usual punk and metal shows I attend. There is an air of really easy going attitude in the crowd as we settle in for the show. It wasn't busy and I didn't really expect much from Tabi but he was surprisingly charismatic. he had a really smooth flow about how he delivered his rhymes, with catchy phrases and beats that were easy to move to.

blew my MIND with incredible delivery and diction in the way he speaks each word. It was like he was telling me stories I had no choice but to dance to. His presence and energy on stage impressed me. The dancing and moving is contagious. It makes me want extra large size dreads to throw around when I whip my hair.

Next we headed over to Parts and Lab-our to catch our friends in Titan throwing down some heavy riffs for a Metal showcase. Chris Woodford is always a hard core Ken doll to watch perform. Charismatic; he is one of the driving forces that makes Titan a well oiled machine. Frontman, James McDonough always catches me off guard when I see him live. He has a ton of energy and his raspy growl voice make him stand out as a stellar vocalist.Watching him and the Titan boys perform with an uncanny closeness reminds me of how long they have been an active, touring band for.

Steve Fennell is currently filling in a temporary spot as a bassist. He tended to hide behind one of his new bandmates as he played, which struck me as hilarious because regardless of whether you can see him, you can hear everything they are playing. They were LOUD. Fennell does really well with Titan considering his pop-punk back round as a bassist. Its good to see a musician like him getting live exposure.

After Titan, Matt and I wandered over to the Rivoli. The weather sucked goat titties as it was pouring rain everywhere. At the Rivoli we made it JUST in time to check out The Airplane Boys. The group hails from Scarborough, which was what drew me to them in the first place. They consist of a keyboardist as well as a clarinet player to give the usual drums/bass/guitar combo something to make it a little fuller sounding. Lead singers Beck Motley & Bon Voyage take the crowd with them in their arms as they dance and entertain to the truest sense of the words.

The boys mix style, class and a serious stage presence that will prove to be a force to recon with. I will be keeping my eyes peeled to see what comes next for this intriguing funk/hip-hop medley.

Being out and about for a concert festival in the city I live in was a breath of fresh air. I miss going to shows and seeing how much music has to do with so many parts of my life. Having an excellent Partner In Crime to spend a night like that with, helps a lot.

Shout outs to the concert Partners in Crime of moments past.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Bachelor Mondays

Every Monday for the past 8 weeks I have gathered with two other dedicated, strong women to watch the Mr Wombat select his mate. No, we are not watching the Discovery Channel's "Mating Rituals of Urban Women." Or maybe we were and that should be a working title for The Bachelor next season.

The best thing is that I get to spend time with my best friend and my new roomie. This week, my absentee roomie joined us too. Mondays are a hard day; starting the week and giving up on the weekend is not easy. Mondays with the girls have made it far more bearable. So has the abundance of wine that seems to come of it. Now we are onto our very last week and I am pretty sad.

I can't really say that I buy into all this reality TV crap. Especially a show where the lead character is on his second run for true love. The show has nothing at all to do with reality. The reality is that these women will be sorely disappointed when they realize that, "Surprise", Brad doesn't have the cash to sweep you off to Vegas each weekend to spice things up. Or South Africa for that matter. These women are set up in unrealistic settings and get unrealistic ideas from this so-called reality TV show.

Heartbreak from someone that isn't real, isn't really heartbreak at all.

I will miss this bonding when its over. I hope we pick up another TV show that is better than the Bachelor.

Friday, February 18, 2011

STOLEN: 50 Things I wish I wouldn't do

50.I wish I wouldn't be so indecisive about my hair. Long, short, its just fucking hair.
49.I wish I wouldn't J walk so aimlessly.
48. I wish I wouldn't be so mean to my guy friends that have feelings for me. I should have said something soon, but I guess I am cowardly and selfish and don't want to lose their friendship, no matter how hard it is on them.
47. I wish I didn't want bigger boobs. but I really do.
46. I wish I wouldn't get so emotional when I get mad. And I cry when I am mad. Not sad, but mad.
45. I wish I wouldn't feel homesick in Toronto
44.I wish I wouldn't be so insistent that my brother and I were closer.
43.I wish I wouldn't sound so loud when I blow my nose.
42. I wish I wouldn't let my jealous insecurities from my X wear off on me in such a big way.
41. I wish I wouldn't smoke.
40. I wish I wouldn't talk so much when I am nervous/drunk/high.
39. I wish I wouldn't be so lazy about seeing my grandparents.
38. I wish I wouldn't write so little.
37. I wish I wouldn't always be referred to as cute.
36. I wish I wouldn't push men away.
35. I wish I wouldn't put the guys I am dating through so much to get closer to me.
34. I wish I would learn to take a chance on the guys I am friends with that want to have more romantic relations with me.
33. I wish I wouldn't have romantic relations with people that don't mean as much.
32. I wish I wouldn't remember 85% of the dreams I have.
31. I wish I wouldn't put so much merit on the dreams I have. And let them CREEP me out.
30. I wish I wouldn't let other people's happiness come before mine so often.
29. I wish I wouldn't over think, over analyze, over compensate, over dramatize and let my head get in the way.
28. I wish I wouldn't miss some people I have shut out so much. Or regret doing it.
27. I wish I wouldn't allow myself to feel as much regret as I do.
26. I wish I wouldn't miss him.
25. I wish I wouldn't want to spend more time with my brother. I think its smothering.
24. I wish I wouldn't enjoy so many cheesy TV shows.
23. I wish I could focus on my writing the way I seem to focus on making the people around me content.
22. I wish I wouldn't go out when I really should or want to stay in. There is something about staying home on when EVERYONE else is going and knowing that you will have a better time on the couch that leaves me unsettled. It seems daunting and scary, like I am going to miss out on something. Though when I do go out, I never seem to find that something I am so afraid of missing.
21. I wish I wouldn't be so anxious about losing my family. I wish that I could accept that people leave and and go and that life goes on. Even writing that makes it scary.
20. I wish I wouldn't find anywhere but here home.
19. I wish I wouldn't feel like my emotional range goes from my heart all the way to the moon.
18. I wish I wouldn't want people that I can't have.
17. I wish I wouldn't want kids so badly. Its weird. But they seem like fun.
16. I wish I wouldn't suck so greatly at relationships. Sometimes I sabotage them, sometimes I run from them, sometimes they don't want me either. But I can't seem t get any of it right.
15. I wish I wouldn't have this hope in the back of my mind that I have already met this one great love we might experience.
14. I wish I wouldn't be so frivolous with money.
13. I wish I wouldn't spill my guts to strangers every time I get high.
12. I wish I wouldn't crave some validation from my co workers so much.
11. I wish I wouldn't hate my hair always.
10. I wish I wouldn't make things so difficult for my mom.
9. I wish I wouldn't be so scared of riding a bike.
8. I wish I wouldn't spend so much time on Facebook.
7. I wish I didn't read so much garbage on the internet. Or spend so much time on it.
6. I wish I wouldn't be so afraid to invest in something good. On all accounts.
5. I wish I wouldn't wonder where it all went wrong with the guys I thought were right. I wish I didn't wonder, but I always do.
4. I wish I wouldn't smoke.
3. I wish I wouldn't doubt myself when it comes to work.
2. I wish I wouldn't put so much faith in everyone I meet, right off the bat.
1. I wish I wouldn't want to change so many things about myself because of how others make me feel.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Party Hard. Creeped out harder.

Friday evening started out pretty blah. My mood was not that of the party persuasion and it took me awhile to get into the mood. The sweatpants I had on weren't really screaming "Party Time" either.

Christie was in the mood to roll so I figured it was time to throw on some 90's soca so we could dutty whine me out of the grumpys I had. It totally worked, so we headed out before the good mood wore off.

We tried to go to some "cool and hip" new bar called Crawford. Didn't get in, so it was a wasted effort. IT was nearing 1 am, so we gave up and headed to the local watering hole, Sneaky Dees. Met some other lady friends there, who had been out raging through out the night. We grabbed a table with our close friend Shelly and promptly ordered a round of tequila. Shelly grabbed the plate immediately and shoved her face at it, saying, "I want all of these."

You can have em babe, tequila and my gag reflex stopped being friends a good year ago. That was not the case, so down the hatch it went. I had finally got my drunk on and was feeling good. I popped outside for a smoke and got flagged down by some guys on the way in. They asked me to join them at their table. I said no, thanks, and wandered over to my table. The wasted part of the table left and it was just Christie and I.

I assume the guys took this as their cue to join us (?) and came on over to the booth. They were two brothers, the older one sitting next to Christie and the younger one trying to hook me up with him. They worked in construction and live in Scarborough. They have lived in Toronto for 3 years, drive and find highways confusing. This was my first red alert to them not being the brightest crayons in the box.

We paid our bill and were about to leave, shook hands and started bundling up to head out into the cold night, when the older brother sitting across from me decided to tell me he was into photography.
"oh yeah?" I replied, wondering where this was going.
"Ya," he replied. "My dad is a photographer. He took some pictures of me. I can show you."

He sits next to me in the booth we were at, all of a sudden making it feel about the size of a hamster cage. This guy was at least 40, with very broad shoulders and a creepy feeling about him. Especially having him so close. He busts out these pictures from his back pocket, as his friends have started to leave. They were topless shots of him, as well as a few in his underwear. Real, live photographs, to be clear. Not just pictures on his phone. He pulled them out of a folded piece of paper. He tried to make it sound so casual, as though it we were looking at some daisies his father happened to shoot, not some creepy model shots he thinks he can use to pick up women. Gross.

The creepiest thing about it was the casual approach he had to dropping the bit about how his FATHER took the pictures into the conversation. They left soon after that; one of his friends was so drunk he couldn't stand. What a bunch of winners. The server we had at Dee's came over to make sure he had witnessed the situation correctly. Yes, he did indeed show us half naked pictures his dad took of him.

He even had the balls to ask me for my number AND had his friend quiz me on whether it was the right one. Jerks. THEN they called me on it, at least 4 times since. He has now been filed on a really exclusive phone list I have called DO NOT PICK UP.