It has been awhile since I have posted anything on here. The
motivation has been seriously lacking because I have been feeling
rather self loathing lately; never good. It is even worse for writing
because no one wants to hear from a whiny blogger. I left you alone,
blog, and it really wasn't really fair.
Right now I am listening to Savage Love Podcast, which are always SO
eye opening. Diplomacy towards seemingly complicated situations is a
skill I lack and he seems to exude. I consider myself to be emotional
when necessary but lately I think that is becoming less true.
Best friends are a strange thing. When you are nine, you search and
long for someone to call your best friend. I have a 9 year old
neighbor that just moved in next door to my mothers house. I lived in
the same house until I was 18, so I can't say I understand what it is
like to move. But Nicki, my neighbor, was devastated and she yearned
for a bestie all summer. She couldn't wait to go back to school to
find a best friend to go to the park with, have sleepovers with, play
with after school and share secrets with all the time.
Those feelings only morph as you get older. that longing for
companionship from a friend, not a lover and nothing family can
provide. Just that buddy that is there to listen to you bitch on the
worst day and the first person you want to share the best ones with.
Eventually partying slows down and you realize that some people are
party friends, some are friends that only call you when they need
support and then there are those best friends that you will miss
forever when they are gone.
That friend you partied, cried, traveled and laughed with. You
thought nothing would tear you apart. Unfortunately when you are nine,
it can be another person with a more enticing toy to share with your
best friend and there is nothing you can do about that. I wish someone
had been there to say, "Kid, if you think that's a shitty reason to
stop being someones friend, just wait. It doesn't get any easier."
As I have realized, the same way there will be a hundred reasons, at
this point in life, there will never really be one that makes sense.
Friends Forever turn into good memories but sometimes you just have to
smile fondly and let go. Making new friends at different stages of the
game is always an adventure. Right now I am starting to do that and I
feel like I am nine all over again.
"Will they like me? What if they don't want to be my friend? What if
they hate my taste in music, movies, pastimes etc?"
It has gotten so confusing and at the same time, NOTHING has changed.
The same rules apply: be yourself, be nice to those around you and put
yourself out there. I would tell a nine year old that, perhaps worded
slightly differently. I don't have an answer, because realizing all
these things hurts. I am trying to put up the brave face and move on.
I will let you know how it goes.