Nightmares

Lately I have been waking up in cold sweats from having nightmares about my ex. I won't get into detail, but I have not had dreams this severe since I lived in Montreal. The kind that take over your whole day and mood. It is really indicative of everything I have been through in the past few months.

I am trying to stay on the bright side of things. I have almost mastered making macarons, my favorite dessert in the whole world. Pastry bags no longer give me anxiety when I look at them. My freelance writing is heading to a good place. I am making headway in my TESL class online, which has me keeping on top of my grammar. But there is still a hole that is starting to grow smaller, day by day. I wish I could speed it up but I hear these things take time.

I will try to keep you updated on that part of it, but this is the hardest part.

This Article is Fact

It pairs with the unemotional, "distract myself till I can't feel anymore" mentality I seem to be floating through my days with. I wish I could listen to a podcast all day, so I am not left alone to think about the last words I have had with people. Again, that amazing mother of mine who just happens to know most of my dirt, told me I need to be the bigger person by no longer responding to shitty emails and tirades that have been dragging on.

It's the HARDEST! I always, always want the last word. ALWAYS. Anyways. Now I just want a snuggle. And I will be the first to admit that I am not emotionally stable for anything more than emotionless sex.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-dont-want-to-sleep-with-you-when-im-sober/

Learning to Let Go

Sometimes you just gotta let it go. It takes so much time and energy to hate people and be angry; Remember that half the time you are better off! We go through waves of ups and downs. Girls get emotional and boys can be un-emotional, causing us to be even MORE emotional. Its an ugly circle and just when you think you have escaped it, something pulls you back in and BANG! you are mad about something again.

This time, you should do it different. Stepping back and looking at your big picture, wondering why you are giving this boy/work problem/family beef anymore time, if it is something that you can't fix with anything but time. Recently I have realized that I am in a far better relationship with my Mum because we know to take time, days, to figure out exactly what is pissing us off when there is an issue. I would give someone $100 to tell my 16-year-old self that bit of information.

Mostly, I blame the parents. When men are man-children, I blame their mothers. When family is ridiculous, I remember that everyone's family is a little nuts. But with men, co-workers and friends that are general shit heads, I blame the parents. Can you imagine if a guy that was a shit to you had a mum that knew about it? In my case, I dated a Momma's Boy that was a Golden Boy (but in real life, an unemployed pothead) that cheated on me. A) WTF did your mother teach you? B) WTF would she say if she had ANY idea how you treat women?

I know my mother wouldn't be proud of all the things I have done but we also talk about all the shitty things. She knows I broke up with a dude via text. She was also one of the first people to say, " I told you it would come back to you," when I got dumped via text in my next relationship. Family is there for real talk. Straight up.

What I am getting at is that you need to weigh your options when you're pissed. Happy girls are the prettiest and hanging onto being an angry bitch will give you wrinkles. I am way too young and hot for that. But seriously, I look at my mom and how she has gotten through the things in her life that have sucked. She smiles everyday, loves my Dad even though they are just friends now, and found the ability to allow for that to happen. Life is WAY too short to hang onto the baggage and drag it around, no matter how much you love those purses. It is time to just let it go and move the hell on.

When you are thinking about hating someone, make sure you have the room in those bags for it. If there is room for something great, let that in instead of the angry things that are part of the past. It made you who you are today, but the great things you let in will make you who you are tomorrow.

SNOW DAY, Friday the 13th and Best Buddies

The space that I live in is rather unique. The ceilings are high, the kitchen is new and open. But the downfall is, that there are no windows. Walking out the front door, that is a commercial store front, seeing it covered with frost, onto the sidewalk that has no footprints, makes me think that my post yesterday was a little too uncanny. I am not one for anything more than believing in karma and signs are a stretch, but if this isn't a sign that shit needs to change and get real around here, I don't know what is.



Mildly obsessed right now.

New Years, Christmas and a few resolutions

The season isn't the season without all of the fundamental elements that make it feel like a New Year. I am having a hard time making changes in my day to day life because the weather isn't changing at all. Where is my powder white snow that dusts the tree tops and cars on the streets where you won't see a footprint in sight?

Embracing change is a scary thing. Moving forward can be even scarier, but I have so many amazing, positive things on the horizon, that there isn't time to be sad or miss the things that I couldn't change to begin with.

People that have been missing from my life have wandered back in. I have never, ever worked as hard or as much as I am right now and it feels very rewarding. Mondays will bring kickboxing classes with my mom, pillow fighting is back in full swing (pun intended) and I am mid course, in preparation for Korea. 2012, nothing can hold me back.

Resolutions are overrated, however I will say thing: I need to throw some change into the mix so I think that I will cave this year and try to do it different. So here goes nothing ladies and gents:

-visit Scarbs more. See mum at LEAST once a week at her house and move the rest of my CRAP out of her house
-Get rid of that crap by April
-Do NOT make the same mistakes I made in 2011

The last one is clearly the most important. Those mistakes include wasting too much time on things that just aren't worth it, being around highly negative situations, don't date a co worker ever, and never, ever settle for less because 2011 seemed to be the year of slightly lowered standards. Negativity has become a very toxic thing that
I've been harboring far too greatly. It pours out through hurtful messages, in colorful language that is not what those words should be used for. I don't want to write to cause hurt and prove points by being angry, losing my cool and spewing burning, acidic words onto the people that have hurt me. Escaping those people and ideas are first and foremost on my list of self improvement. Last night, this horrible side of me emerged, pulled out by the hurt and bad people I have let myself fall in with in the past year. The amount of shame that I felt when I woke up, realizing that the bitter and angry girl that lashed out is not a person I am proud of.

Having a backbone is one thing. Being a downright shitty person is stooping to a level that I am just too good to be near. Above and beyond is where I am headed and I can't wait to get there. It is time for adventures, writing, food and more romance than I can handle. Who knew, but I really, truly am a hopeless romantic. The food, the wine, the reading and Shakespeare, movies, walks, dinner and being in love. Much more than I would like to admit. Excited about being single and exploring that in a way I used to know, with amazing new and motivated people.

There are a few new publications that I am looking forward to writing for professionally, in the very near future and I am excited to try my had at food and wine parings this year. Travels are on the horizon and I cannot express with words how happy I am to be rid of some of the burden that bred with 2011. New job, new feel, shedding old, sad skin that needs to be left behind, never to be picked at again.