50.I wish I wouldn't be so indecisive about my hair. Long, short, its just fucking hair.
49.I wish I wouldn't J walk so aimlessly.
48. I wish I wouldn't be so mean to my guy friends that have feelings for me. I should have said something soon, but I guess I am cowardly and selfish and don't want to lose their friendship, no matter how hard it is on them.
47. I wish I didn't want bigger boobs. but I really do.
46. I wish I wouldn't get so emotional when I get mad. And I cry when I am mad. Not sad, but mad.
45. I wish I wouldn't feel homesick in Toronto
44.I wish I wouldn't be so insistent that my brother and I were closer.
43.I wish I wouldn't sound so loud when I blow my nose.
42. I wish I wouldn't let my jealous insecurities from my X wear off on me in such a big way.
41. I wish I wouldn't smoke.
40. I wish I wouldn't talk so much when I am nervous/drunk/high.
39. I wish I wouldn't be so lazy about seeing my grandparents.
38. I wish I wouldn't write so little.
37. I wish I wouldn't always be referred to as cute.
36. I wish I wouldn't push men away.
35. I wish I wouldn't put the guys I am dating through so much to get closer to me.
34. I wish I would learn to take a chance on the guys I am friends with that want to have more romantic relations with me.
33. I wish I wouldn't have romantic relations with people that don't mean as much.
32. I wish I wouldn't remember 85% of the dreams I have.
31. I wish I wouldn't put so much merit on the dreams I have. And let them CREEP me out.
30. I wish I wouldn't let other people's happiness come before mine so often.
29. I wish I wouldn't over think, over analyze, over compensate, over dramatize and let my head get in the way.
28. I wish I wouldn't miss some people I have shut out so much. Or regret doing it.
27. I wish I wouldn't allow myself to feel as much regret as I do.
26. I wish I wouldn't miss him.
25. I wish I wouldn't want to spend more time with my brother. I think its smothering.
24. I wish I wouldn't enjoy so many cheesy TV shows.
23. I wish I could focus on my writing the way I seem to focus on making the people around me content.
22. I wish I wouldn't go out when I really should or want to stay in. There is something about staying home on when EVERYONE else is going and knowing that you will have a better time on the couch that leaves me unsettled. It seems daunting and scary, like I am going to miss out on something. Though when I do go out, I never seem to find that something I am so afraid of missing.
21. I wish I wouldn't be so anxious about losing my family. I wish that I could accept that people leave and and go and that life goes on. Even writing that makes it scary.
20. I wish I wouldn't find anywhere but here home.
19. I wish I wouldn't feel like my emotional range goes from my heart all the way to the moon.
18. I wish I wouldn't want people that I can't have.
17. I wish I wouldn't want kids so badly. Its weird. But they seem like fun.
16. I wish I wouldn't suck so greatly at relationships. Sometimes I sabotage them, sometimes I run from them, sometimes they don't want me either. But I can't seem t get any of it right.
15. I wish I wouldn't have this hope in the back of my mind that I have already met this one great love we might experience.
14. I wish I wouldn't be so frivolous with money.
13. I wish I wouldn't spill my guts to strangers every time I get high.
12. I wish I wouldn't crave some validation from my co workers so much.
11. I wish I wouldn't hate my hair always.
10. I wish I wouldn't make things so difficult for my mom.
9. I wish I wouldn't be so scared of riding a bike.
8. I wish I wouldn't spend so much time on Facebook.
7. I wish I didn't read so much garbage on the internet. Or spend so much time on it.
6. I wish I wouldn't be so afraid to invest in something good. On all accounts.
5. I wish I wouldn't wonder where it all went wrong with the guys I thought were right. I wish I didn't wonder, but I always do.
4. I wish I wouldn't smoke.
3. I wish I wouldn't doubt myself when it comes to work.
2. I wish I wouldn't put so much faith in everyone I meet, right off the bat.
1. I wish I wouldn't want to change so many things about myself because of how others make me feel.
Morning person turned creature of the night
Friday, February 18, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Party Hard. Creeped out harder.
Friday evening started out pretty blah. My mood was not that of the party persuasion and it took me awhile to get into the mood. The sweatpants I had on weren't really screaming "Party Time" either.
Christie was in the mood to roll so I figured it was time to throw on some 90's soca so we could dutty whine me out of the grumpys I had. It totally worked, so we headed out before the good mood wore off.
We tried to go to some "cool and hip" new bar called Crawford. Didn't get in, so it was a wasted effort. IT was nearing 1 am, so we gave up and headed to the local watering hole, Sneaky Dees. Met some other lady friends there, who had been out raging through out the night. We grabbed a table with our close friend Shelly and promptly ordered a round of tequila. Shelly grabbed the plate immediately and shoved her face at it, saying, "I want all of these."
You can have em babe, tequila and my gag reflex stopped being friends a good year ago. That was not the case, so down the hatch it went. I had finally got my drunk on and was feeling good. I popped outside for a smoke and got flagged down by some guys on the way in. They asked me to join them at their table. I said no, thanks, and wandered over to my table. The wasted part of the table left and it was just Christie and I.
I assume the guys took this as their cue to join us (?) and came on over to the booth. They were two brothers, the older one sitting next to Christie and the younger one trying to hook me up with him. They worked in construction and live in Scarborough. They have lived in Toronto for 3 years, drive and find highways confusing. This was my first red alert to them not being the brightest crayons in the box.
We paid our bill and were about to leave, shook hands and started bundling up to head out into the cold night, when the older brother sitting across from me decided to tell me he was into photography.
"oh yeah?" I replied, wondering where this was going.
"Ya," he replied. "My dad is a photographer. He took some pictures of me. I can show you."
He sits next to me in the booth we were at, all of a sudden making it feel about the size of a hamster cage. This guy was at least 40, with very broad shoulders and a creepy feeling about him. Especially having him so close. He busts out these pictures from his back pocket, as his friends have started to leave. They were topless shots of him, as well as a few in his underwear. Real, live photographs, to be clear. Not just pictures on his phone. He pulled them out of a folded piece of paper. He tried to make it sound so casual, as though it we were looking at some daisies his father happened to shoot, not some creepy model shots he thinks he can use to pick up women. Gross.
The creepiest thing about it was the casual approach he had to dropping the bit about how his FATHER took the pictures into the conversation. They left soon after that; one of his friends was so drunk he couldn't stand. What a bunch of winners. The server we had at Dee's came over to make sure he had witnessed the situation correctly. Yes, he did indeed show us half naked pictures his dad took of him.
He even had the balls to ask me for my number AND had his friend quiz me on whether it was the right one. Jerks. THEN they called me on it, at least 4 times since. He has now been filed on a really exclusive phone list I have called DO NOT PICK UP.
Christie was in the mood to roll so I figured it was time to throw on some 90's soca so we could dutty whine me out of the grumpys I had. It totally worked, so we headed out before the good mood wore off.
We tried to go to some "cool and hip" new bar called Crawford. Didn't get in, so it was a wasted effort. IT was nearing 1 am, so we gave up and headed to the local watering hole, Sneaky Dees. Met some other lady friends there, who had been out raging through out the night. We grabbed a table with our close friend Shelly and promptly ordered a round of tequila. Shelly grabbed the plate immediately and shoved her face at it, saying, "I want all of these."
You can have em babe, tequila and my gag reflex stopped being friends a good year ago. That was not the case, so down the hatch it went. I had finally got my drunk on and was feeling good. I popped outside for a smoke and got flagged down by some guys on the way in. They asked me to join them at their table. I said no, thanks, and wandered over to my table. The wasted part of the table left and it was just Christie and I.
I assume the guys took this as their cue to join us (?) and came on over to the booth. They were two brothers, the older one sitting next to Christie and the younger one trying to hook me up with him. They worked in construction and live in Scarborough. They have lived in Toronto for 3 years, drive and find highways confusing. This was my first red alert to them not being the brightest crayons in the box.
We paid our bill and were about to leave, shook hands and started bundling up to head out into the cold night, when the older brother sitting across from me decided to tell me he was into photography.
"oh yeah?" I replied, wondering where this was going.
"Ya," he replied. "My dad is a photographer. He took some pictures of me. I can show you."
He sits next to me in the booth we were at, all of a sudden making it feel about the size of a hamster cage. This guy was at least 40, with very broad shoulders and a creepy feeling about him. Especially having him so close. He busts out these pictures from his back pocket, as his friends have started to leave. They were topless shots of him, as well as a few in his underwear. Real, live photographs, to be clear. Not just pictures on his phone. He pulled them out of a folded piece of paper. He tried to make it sound so casual, as though it we were looking at some daisies his father happened to shoot, not some creepy model shots he thinks he can use to pick up women. Gross.
The creepiest thing about it was the casual approach he had to dropping the bit about how his FATHER took the pictures into the conversation. They left soon after that; one of his friends was so drunk he couldn't stand. What a bunch of winners. The server we had at Dee's came over to make sure he had witnessed the situation correctly. Yes, he did indeed show us half naked pictures his dad took of him.
He even had the balls to ask me for my number AND had his friend quiz me on whether it was the right one. Jerks. THEN they called me on it, at least 4 times since. He has now been filed on a really exclusive phone list I have called DO NOT PICK UP.
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