Stories of a Failed Man Eater

Once upon a time a guy I was dating called me a "man eater". I don't think I have ever had a repeated joke make me laugh this hard in my whole life.

Before I was freelance writing for Vice Magazine, I was part of their intern army. Normally, their interns get some pretty embarrassing treatment, like shoving a cell phone up someones butt and having the rest of the office stand around and call it, laughing and pointing. That has to suck.

I don't know if people are tamer in Canada or if we are just a more peaceful and polite group of human beings but in comparison to that, my intern workload didn't seem too harmful. Until this week, when I realized that the small assignment that seemed harmless at the time has had an effect on my sex life over three years later.

One of my first assignments was to go out and find a small cities worth of guys that were willing to talk to me about their experience with how they avoid prematurely blowing their load when they are doing it. Along with finding a variety of different men to elaborate on their personal experiences with me, I had to get them to sign a waiver, saying we could publish a picture of them and what they say. When it was finally all said and done after a few nights of getting wasted in front of my apartment building and letting my outspoken friend take the reins, I had to transcribe all of these stories picking which ones were the most entertaining.

These conversations haunted my already vivid dreams for weeks to come. At the time, I was going through a somewhat dry spell so it wasn't a really big deal. But when it came time to get back on the horse, the things that were running though my head were thoughts I couldn't shake.

The stories consisted of some answers that seemed to repeat, like baseball or sports, grass and water, which would personally make me want to pee. Then there were some weird ones like 'First I will try and change positions if its only been awhile and its feeling too good. Then, if that doesn't work, I think about my grandmother."

Now, when I have sex with a new partner and you can't tell what they are thinking, don't want to ask but happen to be enjoying the sex it takes everything in my power from saying (after they have made a few switches)," Its okay, you can cum, its no big deal." I feel like I have been exposed to this world I am not ready for, or that I have a power I really don't want. Is this how Jenna Jameson feels? Oh wait, those aren't magical powers...

A Weekend Summary

Friday night I made plans with my friend Kelly that I almost forgot about. I am really glad that I didn't because it ended up being the most fun I had all weekend. We don't get to drink together too often, which in my opinion, makes our friendship especially strong and makes her a great influence on me, but this was one of those few times where she wasn't driving and didn't have to work TOO early. (She has been cleaning pools and up at FIVE all summer, so the ten am on Saturday seemed like sleeping in to her I guess.)

We ended up at a bar in the beaches, partying with a whole bunch of people I worked with last summer. I didn't leave on the best of terms with some of them and it was nice to catch up and hear how they were all doing. They aren't close friends so it was nice to be out with a more relaxed group of girls. Kels got a little tipsy, we danced a bunch at her work and then headed home.

Saturday was a touch more dramatic. All of these events pertain to something I have been hypothesizing for a few years now, so I am going to tell you everything and then get to the point!

My very good friend encountered a crazy ex from a guy she is really into. The crazy hacked my friends new beau's email account and read a bunch of emails. Then, she made up a fake facebook account, pretended to know my bud, and asked her a bunch of questions. Needless to say, this sketchy behavior has left my friend skeptical of this guy and the types of women that he attracts. I can't say I blame her in the least. The worst part about wasn't the crazy ex; we understand he can't control that, but the fact that he was torn between which girl he should be with. Crazy, or not so crazy! Is there even a decision? He also failed to mention to my girl that he was still in touch with his ex to the point of referring to her as a "best friend".

Now I am not one to enjoy drama. Yet it comes with life at this age, especially with one that involves sex, booze and partying, all of which I partake in. But this Saturday was a special one. On top of consoling my friend through her guy issues, another friend we were with ran into her very recent ex and ANOTHER one got invited to a bar, which we all tagged along to, only to find that the guy that invited her had his ex EX girlfriend clinging to him all night.

Now I have to say this: i am VERY proud to say that my friend that got invited to this bar, came and stayed and kept her cool. I don;t think I would have been so dignified. OH yeah, in fact I wasn't. At one point, this guy's ex made him cry in the bar ( I think, I was drunk) but I made a very clear point of laughing and saying "way to cry fag. look at the fag, he's crying" many many many times. Oops, not one of my most suave moments that is for sure.

After we ended up back at the girls house and I headed home thinking that the night was over, much to my chagrin, it was far from it. My very first friend that had to deal with the crazy ex came home to a flurry of text messages sent from a guy she had been previously seeing casually, months ago. He claims to have been accosted by one of our other "girlfriends" who then proceeded to anonymously tell him to "stay away from ______, she is bad news, etc", airing dirty laundry that, in reality, she knows nothing about.

THE DRAMA PEOPLE:The hypothesis!

The people that gossip this much, that are this crazy and care this much about other people's business have me thinking two things. One, they are jealous. No doubt. Two, that they will always, always be this way, no matter how old they are or how much things change.

Over the years of being back and forth in Toronto and Montreal, I have made many new friends, lost friends and I can honestly say that the only friends that will try and pull shit like this are the ones you have the most history with. Why it happens, I can't be sure. What possesses someone to go to the extent that any one of the second party women in question went to, is beyond me. But it has me intrigued and thinking hard about how I appear to others, my friends and men.

I will let you know on the conclusion I come too about myself. I am not crazy and I don't care as much as these crazies do; especially when it comes to contacting an unassuming third party. But, I know that I have feelings that get hurt and I can't always detach myself from sex and emotion, the way I may have been able to when I didn't really understand the gravity of what sex means with someone you care about.